Different Mathematics

Research Department Report No. 742

Subject: Why the Employee Cannot Simply “Push Through”

After several years of observation, the administration asked for clarification on why the employee cannot simply work harder.

Research Department would like to note that the employee has already attempted this.

Repeatedly.

The results have been consistent.

Administration expressed disappointment.

The employee did as well.

Research Department therefore initiated a comprehensive review.

The investigation began with a commonly held theory.

Several individuals suggested that disability is primarily a mindset.

Research Department found this hypothesis intriguing.

Unfortunately, the employee’s spinal cord declined to participate in the discussion.

The body instead submitted data.

The body has always preferred documentation over motivational speeches.

Additional consultants were interviewed.

Some believed the employee could accomplish anything with sufficient determination.

Others believed the employee should do considerably less.

Research Department appreciates the enthusiasm demonstrated by both groups.

Neither group was placed in charge of the employee’s nervous system.

Gravity was also consulted.

Gravity remains firmly committed to its original position.

Research Department has determined that gravity is surprisingly resistant to positive thinking.

The employee’s body conducts a budget meeting every morning.

Items reviewed include:

Available energy.

Available sleep.

Available inflammation.

Current pain level.

Questionable life choices.

Administration routinely requests additional productivity.

The body routinely responds,

“Respectfully denied.”

Research Department considers this an ongoing disagreement between departments.

One of the more fascinating discoveries involved mathematics.

Healthy Person Mathematics appears relatively straightforward.

Eight hours of work equals one completed workday.

Research Department has confirmed this equation functions adequately for many individuals.

The employee, however, appears to operate under an entirely different mathematical system.

Employee Mathematics works as follows.

Eight hours of work.

Plus twelve hours of recovery.

Plus one heating pad.

Plus compression socks.

Plus several conversations beginning with,

“I’ll have to take a rain check.”

Carry the exhaustion.

Subtract tomorrow’s energy.

The answer somehow equals Tuesday.

Research Department has verified these calculations on numerous occasions.

The numbers remain inconveniently accurate.

Administration has repeatedly suggested that the employee simply become more motivated.

Research Department would like to clarify that motivation has never been in short supply.

In fact, motivation levels occasionally reach values considered medically concerning.

The employee routinely attempts three days’ worth of responsibilities using one day’s worth of physical resources.

Research Department believes this explains a great deal.

Eventually, investigators located the employee’s accounting ledger.

Unlike most institutions, the body itemizes every expense.

Walking through a grocery store.

One receipt.

Cleaning the bathroom.

Another receipt.

Working an eight-hour shift.

An invoice due tomorrow.

Ignoring tomorrow’s invoice results in interest charges payable in pain, fatigue, muscle spasms, inflammation, and several hours spent negotiating with furniture.

Research Department finds this accounting system unnecessarily aggressive.

Unfortunately, appeals have been unsuccessful.

After extensive review, Research Department reached a unanimous conclusion.

The employee’s challenge was never willingness.

The employee’s challenge was sustainability.

The employee can often accomplish remarkable things.

The employee has demonstrated this repeatedly.

The more relevant question is whether the employee can continue accomplishing remarkable things the following day.

Research Department considers this distinction significant.

Administration continues requesting quarterly improvements.

Research Department respectfully recommends a nap.

The employee has also reached several additional conclusions.

Needing support is not the same as lacking value.

Needing accommodations is not the same as lacking contribution.

Needing assistance is not the same as lacking purpose.

These findings remain supported by overwhelming evidence.

The injury permanently changed the body.

It did not eliminate curiosity.

It did not eliminate service.

It did not eliminate responsibility.

It simply required entirely different mathematics.

Research Department therefore considers the employee’s performance satisfactory under current operating conditions.

Administration has requested a second opinion.

The body has already submitted one.

It was forty-seven pages long. 

The Research Department suspects the Administration is unlikely to read it.

Nevertheless, the employee will continue moving forward.

Sometimes slowly.

Sometimes creatively.

Occasionally, with assistance from strangers.

The Research Department considers this an acceptable operational strategy.

Administration calls it inefficient.

The employee calls it Tuesday.