Management Responds to Allegations from Local 502

     (Tree Trunks)

To Whom It May Concern,

Management has reviewed the recent statement issued by Local 502 and would like to clarify several inaccuracies.

First, management rejects the accusation that employee concerns have been ignored.

In the last year alone, the Legs have received:

• Electrolytes

• Compression garments

• Orthopedic footwear

• Physical therapy

• Chiropractic care

• Massage therapy

• TMR

• Vitamins

• Minerals

• Protein supplementation

• Weight reduction initiatives

• Specialized medical consultations

• Countless hours of attention

Management would also like to point out that other departments have not received nearly this level of support.

The Hair Department, for example, has been largely left to fend for itself.

Regarding the allegation of unsafe working conditions, management notes that Local 502 voluntarily accepted multiple security shifts, extended standing assignments, and repeated adventures involving theme parks, parking lots, and unreasonable amounts of walking.

Furthermore, management has evidence that Local 502 routinely ignores direct instructions.

Example:

Brain:
“Please sit down.”

Legs:
“No.”

Brain:
“You’ve been standing for six hours.”

Legs:
“We’re fine.”

Brain:
“You are visibly swollen.”

Legs:
“We said we’re fine.”

Three hours later:

Legs:
“THIS IS AN EMERGENCY.”

Management would also like the record to reflect that many of the current grievances began only after substantial reductions in operational load.

For years, Local 502, aka Local 254, 509, and 253 had successfully transported approximately one hundred additional pounds with similar outcomes when failure to follow instructions from management.  That being said:

Upon removal of said load, the Legs unexpectedly began filing complaints.

Management remains confused by this development.

Finally, management wishes to address the accusation that overnight cramps are “negotiations.”

Legal counsel has reviewed the matter.

They are not negotiations.

Negotiations require notice.

What Local 502 does at 3:00 a.m. more closely resembles a hostile takeover.

Management nevertheless remains committed to a positive working relationship and hopes future disagreements can be resolved during normal business hours rather than by launching the right calf into low Earth orbit.

Respectfully,

Management

P.S. We acknowledge that Local 502 has carried this organization through some extraordinarily difficult years.

Please stop trying to fold the feet into origami animals while everyone is sleeping.