The Union of Local 502 (Tree Trunks) Issues Formal Statement

After years of faithful service, the Legs of Kortney Michelle would like to address recent rumors regarding our size, attitude, and occasional labor actions.

First, we reject the term “huge.”

We prefer the term “structurally significant.”

Second, we would like the public to understand that we have been supporting operations under increasingly difficult circumstances since 2006. While other departments have taken extended leave, called in sick, or generally failed to cooperate, we have remained on duty.

Wheelchair?

We adapted.

Forearm crutches?

We adapted.

Physical therapy?

We adapted.

Standing eight-hour shifts?

We adapted.

Weight loss of nearly one hundred pounds?

You’re welcome.

Despite our consistent performance, management continues to express surprise when we occasionally hold emergency meetings at 3:00 a.m.

These are not cramps.

These are negotiations.

We have repeatedly submitted requests for improved working conditions, including but not limited to:

• Adequate hydration

• Reasonable electrolyte distribution

• More comfortable footwear

• Less random standing around in security booths

• Fewer experiments involving weight loss, movement retraining, and whatever new wellness protocol management discovered this week

When these concerns are ignored, we reserve the right to organize peaceful demonstrations.

These demonstrations may include:

• Toe curling

• Calf locking

• Sudden foot contortions

• Complete suspension of sleep operations

We regret any inconvenience.

We would also like to address recent public comments regarding our appearance.

Yes, we are large.

Do you know what happens when a department spends twenty years doing everyone else’s work?

Professional development.

Thank you for your continued support.

Respectfully,

Local 502 Tree Trunks

“Carrying out the operation since 2006.”