The Unauthorized Research and Development Department

The company would like to address ongoing concerns regarding the Unauthorized Research and Development Department.

Administration recently inquired whether additional education might be beneficial.

The Research Department appreciates the suggestion.

The Research Department would also like to submit approximately twenty years of continuing education records into evidence.

The company would like to clarify that the Research Department never stopped attending school.

The difference is that the Research Department selects its own curriculum.

Most educational programs begin with a course catalog.

The Unauthorized Research Department begins with a problem.

The body does something strange.

The Research Department asks why.

The investigation begins.

Sometimes this leads to books.

Sometimes it leads to certifications.

Sometimes it leads to conferences.

Sometimes it leads to trainers.

Sometimes it leads to physicians.

Sometimes it leads to educational programs.

Sometimes it leads to entirely new questions.

The company has accumulated certifications in multiple disciplines.

Not because the Research Department was collecting credentials.

Because the Research Department was collecting clues.

Every certification represented a possible answer to a question.

Every course represented a possible tool.

Every educational opportunity was evaluated according to a single standard:

Will this help the building function?

If the answer was yes, the Research Department was interested.

If the answer was no, the Research Department moved on.

Administration occasionally asks whether the employee would like to return to school.

The Research Department would like clarification.

Return from where?

The Research Department never left.

The Research Department has been enrolled continuously for twenty years.

Tuition has been expensive.

The company would like reimbursement.

Administration has declined.

The Ticket to Work Department has suggested additional training opportunities.

The Research Department appreciates the offer.

However, the company would like to note that education is not the objective.

Function is the objective.

The goal has never been obtaining certificates.

The goal has been obtaining information.

The goal has never been collecting credentials.

The goal has been keeping the building operational.

The goal has never been graduation.

The goal has been adaptation.

The company would like to remind everyone that the Unauthorized Research Department was never attempting to build a career.

It was attempting to build a body.

A body that physicians said would never function again.

A body that insurance frequently declined to assist.

A body that required ongoing experimentation, investigation, adaptation, and reconstruction.

The Unauthorized Research Department therefore remains active.

The Scientific Method Department remains active.

The Maintenance Department remains active.

The Architecture Department remains active.

The employee remains exhausted.

Administration would like to know whether the employee is interested in additional training.

The Research Department responds:

“Only if it helps the building.”

The building remains open during renovations.