The Sun Files: Weather Department Personnel Records

The Research Department has received repeated requests to explain the employee’s longstanding relationship with the sun.

The Research Department would first like to clarify that the employee did not initiate this investigation.

Other people did.

The employee merely accumulated paperwork.

The earliest witness statement was located many years before the official Sun File was established.

The witness, Liam, paused during an ordinary conversation, looked directly at the employee, and announced,

“You’re so bright. I can’t look at you.”

The employee considered this an unusual opening statement.

The Research Department logged the observation.

The file remained inactive.

Several years later, while the employee resided in western Washington, additional witness statements began arriving.

Friends repeatedly observed that whenever the employee arrived, the clouds would separate.

The sun would appear.

Temperatures would increase.

The Research Department initially classified these reports as coincidence.

The reports continued.

One friend, Bonnie, eventually appeared carrying an extraordinarily large metal sun.

The Research Department believes the object exceeded all reasonable birthday dimensions.

When asked why she selected it, Bonnie appeared genuinely confused.

“You carry the sunshine with you.”

The employee accepted the gift.

The Research Department opened the official Sun File.

The metal sun remained with the employee through multiple moves before finally becoming too large to relocate across the country.

The Research Department considers this one of the more unfortunate casualties of interstate migration.

Additional evidence continued accumulating.

The employee’s daughter designed a tribal sun and insisted it belonged permanently on the employee’s neck.

The tattoo artist expressed concern.

“This is your first tattoo?”

The employee confirmed.

“…And it’s going on your neck?”

The daughter answered before the employee could.

“It’s basically a self-portrait.”

The Research Department considered the explanation unusually efficient.

Years later, the employee’s son examined the growing collection of suns.

He reviewed the tattoo.

He remembered the giant metal sun.

He considered the available evidence.

“It’s our family crest.”

The Research Department had not previously realized the family possessed heraldry.

Official records were amended immediately.

The employee’s son later presented her with a wax seal bearing the same sun.

Official correspondence now carries the family crest.

The Research Department considers this excessive.

It also considers it appropriate.

The investigation appeared complete.

It was not.

Additional photographic exhibits continued arriving without request.

Friends submitted photographs.

Family members submitted photographs.

Security cameras submitted photographs.

The employee appeared to be engaged in completely ordinary activities.

Standing outside.

Looking at a phone.

Walking across a parking lot.

Existing.

The sun nevertheless appeared determined to participate.

Several photographs contained unusually bright light, colorful halos, and rainbow artifacts surrounding the employee.

One individual reviewed the growing collection of photographs and titled the album,

“JESUS.”

The employee immediately objected.

“There is only one Jesus.”

The Research Department agreed this represented an important clarification.

The title nevertheless remained.

The employee also observed that the sun does not normally rise or set in that direction relative to the building.

The Research Department briefly considered investigating the matter.

Another exhibit was simply added to the file.

During what was expected to be the final interview, the investigation unexpectedly expanded.

Management explained that she had never intended to become associated with rain.

She merely introduced herself as Lorraine.

Several young children consistently heard only the important part.

“…Rain.”

Management elected not to correct them.

Instead, she accepted the reassignment.

To this day, Management frequently introduces herself as Rain while demonstrating appropriate precipitation using both hands.

The Research Department considers the hand motions part of the official presentation.

At this point the department reviewed the remaining personnel records.

The employee remained assigned to Sunshine.

Management had apparently accepted responsibility for Rain.

The employee’s son demonstrated the Voice of Thunder.

Research Department notes that Management previously reported the employee also possessed the Voice of Thunder.

The department has therefore classified thunder as a hereditary trait.

One daughter demonstrated a remarkable tendency toward Wind.

Predicting her direction has historically produced inconsistent results.

Another daughter appeared closely affiliated with Thunderstorms.

Family members have repeatedly noted that whenever emotions become particularly energetic, thunderstorms somehow seem like an appropriate description.

The Research Department makes no meteorological conclusions.

It merely records witness statements.

Two grandchildren arrived during hurricane season.

Oliver reported first.

Reagan apparently decided the assignment looked entertaining.

Both children have demonstrated sufficient energy to justify continued observation.

The Research Department has provisionally assigned both to the Hurricane Division.

One sister remains officially designated as Bug.

This assignment originated after the employee’s father repeatedly referred to her as “Katydid.”

The reporting employee eventually concluded that a katydid was some sort of bug.

Unfortunately, the reporting employee could never remember exactly which bug.

Administrative simplification followed.

The title became permanent.

To this day, the reporting employee simply asks,

“Have you seen Bug lately?”

Management replies,

“I’m going to Katie’s.”

Communication has remained remarkably successful.

Research Department has also received repeated reports that snow remains around Bug’s residence long after surrounding areas have entered spring.

The evidence has been logged.

The Snow Division remains under review.

The employee has maintained for many years that weather requires approximately two years of training.

Rain should generally report for duty at night.

Sunshine should report during the day.

Everyone benefits.

Unfortunately, the employee also possesses a lifelong tendency to relocate every three or four years.

Just as one region begins demonstrating acceptable atmospheric behavior, the employee moves away.

The weather is abandoned midway through orientation and forced to begin onboarding somewhere else.

The Research Department believes this may explain decades of inconsistent atmospheric performance.

The employee has recently purchased a home.

For the first time in many years, the weather has an opportunity to complete its probationary period.

Performance evaluations are expected to improve accordingly.

The Research Department would finally like to clarify that no member of this family knowingly accepted employment with the Weather Department.

No applications were submitted.

No interviews were conducted.

No orientation was completed.

The assignments appear to have distributed themselves over several generations.

Research Department has reached no official conclusions regarding how this occurred.

The department merely maintains the personnel files.

Readers are encouraged to draw their own conclusions.